Zelda: Link Saves the Gorons
by Vainglory 2KW8O
Summary: While hiking up Death Mountain Trail, the legendary green knight, Zelda, is given a quest by the emperor of the Gorons to get back the Goron's Ruby from the evil Dodongos. An explosive adventure you can't wait to go on!


Zelda: Link Saves the Gorons

by Vainglory 2KW8Ω

Link was hiking on Death Mountain Trail getting some exercise in. "Ah, it sure is a butterfly day to go hiking." But then he was attacked by tektites which were big ugly blue beetle spiders so he killed one with his sword but got tackled by the others "OH NO GET OFF OF ME, YOU UGLY EVIL ANIMALS!" Link shouted but nobody would help him because his hiking partner, a construction worker from Kokiri Village, ran away screaming bloody murder but he slipped on the way down and broke his neck so nobody was none the wiser. Link knew this was going to be the end… OR WAS IT?! Suddenly, a fearsome giant monster who had a tattoo on his shoaler came cashing down from a ledge abaft and stomped on all the tektites and saved link. "Wow, thanks, man. AH! BIGFOOT!" said Link. "I am not a Bigfoot: I am a proud member of my race, the groins! My name is Darunia and I ask you to come to Gordon City."

Luke and Darunina then made an arduous trip of thousandths of miles up the mountain to the great metropolice of Moron Mountain. Link was bewigged that such a busting city could ever lie beneath a volcano with millions of hardy exotic Borons living their day-to-day lives driving around through rush hour traffic in steam-powered automobiles that looked like Deloreans because they're are my favorite car, buying coffee and mana potions at artisanal coffee shops, and working 9-5 at construction cites to make their already massive city even biggerer.

But then Daruina took Link to his house and gave him to lowdown on what they're problem was. "Okay, Link, make yourself comfortable because this is going to be a long story." And link sat down on Darnunia's couch, which was a bolder carved into the shape of a couch in the 17th century French style (a/n: I know france doesn't exist in Zelda's world but in Final Fantasy 7: Texas and Korea are incidentally mentioned in that game and World of Workcraft does have Swiss cheese in it so there.) but it was still rather uncomfortable. "Okay, now that you're comfortable: here's my story. Hundreds of years ago: the Dodongos broke into our museum and stole our most precious artifact: the Goron's Ruby. A mystical jewel that bestores great power upon its user. And can even bend the flow of time." said Farninia. "Wow, that's really neat! But what do I have to do with it?" said Link.

"I want you to go into the Dudongos cavern, kill all of those creatures and take back our ruby from there evil king."

"Okay!"

"I admire your enthusiasm, boyo. you're going to need it. Also: take this, it'll do you more good than that weed whacker you carry around."

And then he presented loin with a more powerful version of the Kokiri Sword called the Master Sword. He was big enough to have it so he got it. "Wow, this is really cool. It most definitely is way better than that butter knife I've been lugging around." said Kink. "Okay, so are you ready to go, go then. And make me proud." said Darubia. "Okay." sad link.

And he was off. He made it to the entrance to the Donogo's Cavern and placed lots of dynamite and C4 all over the place so he could blow it up and get inside. The plan worked and he got inside and shot all of the dodoitos. "WHAT INSULIN WORM DARES TO LAUGHTER MY PEOPLE?!" A big voice boomed out from inside the Dodongo's Cavern throne room where the king was sitting and it was probably the king who said that. Link went inside and said "Hello, baby, I'm here to waste your lousy butt and send you back to the precarious period where you can spend time with your dinosaur buddies!" said link. "HAHAHA! I HAVE NO NEED FOR FRIENDS OF SUCH A LONG TIME AGO! I WILL BREATH FIRE UPON YOU AND MAKE YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN, EVEN IN THE DISTANT PAST WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH!" and the dodingo king breathed molten lava all over link and he was now down to a quarter heart.

"HAHAHA! AND SOON, WITH YOU GONE, DINOSAURS WILL RULE THE EARTH ONCE AGAIN!"

"Think again, hot stuff!"

"WHAT THE?"

And link through a bunch of his C4 and dynamite at the king until he was covered in the stuff. The Darunia King tried to plead with him: "NO, PLEASE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! MY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ENSLAVED BY THE GORONS AND THE HUMANS FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS: WE WERE ONLY REBELLING AGAINST OUR OPPRESSION!"

"Tell that to somebody who cares, mother fucker!"

And so Kink blew up the explosives to expose the delicate pink weakness hiding beneath his spiky catapuce. Link stabbed that spot with his master sword and the king was then dead and he was abel to get back the Goron's ruby. He went back to the Goron's city and Darude was ascetic when he saw it.

"Here you go, Darnia. It was easy to win back this treasure for you." said Kiln. "Ah, excellent! Now that you have bought us the Mormon's Rupee: there's a few loose ends we have to cut." said Darwinia. Suddenly,Darnunia's smile began to widen into a scarry grin, pointy teeth shot out of his gums, and his eyes turned a bright orange. He hissed like the Aliens from Aliens and Link got so scared that he screamed like a girl and soiled his pantaloons. And then, Narnia anteloped Link's head with his mouth and took a bite out of him like macguffin taking a bite out of crime. Linus should have been dead then but he was still wraithing around like a cuckold with his head cut off because he still had his brain stem so Darnunia applied physical force to Linux's color bone with his teet and then Luna was definitely dead. Shiek saw everything so he said to himself "I must go back to Princess Zelda and tell her that our last hope for highrule has been axtinguinushed." but another Gonad was behind him and he herd everything so he swallowed Sherk whole and felt him straggling inside his stomach before immediately digesting him. And then Ganongof showed up and said, "Well done Denubian, you have defeated my arch Nemesis and you will be rewarded with lots of money and zarudo slave girls." said banondorf. "Cool, thanks dude!" said Farunia. And so, Hanonsorf conquered all of Hyrule, Termina, Holodram, Labyrinna, and the island of Koholint and also Lorule, and the Great Sea where Wind Waker takes place, and he even went to the mushroom kingdom and helped Bowser take it over and, when he got back to his own time: he ruled the world and lived happily ever after.

Moral of the Story: Never trust anybody who is bigger than you and has a tattoo.


End file.
